A long time ago I attempted to start a blog.
That blog at the time was dedicated to mental illness. Specifically Borderline Personality Disorder. A disorder that I was medicated for, repeatedly. Between my teenagehood up until the age of 29 I was given a plethora of mental health diagnoses that would be chopped, changed and seemingly medicated on a whim. To name a few; bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder and of course BPD. All of these diagnoses are supposedly treated with the correct medication and therapy, and I went through many of both, to the point I recall my psychiatrist at the time being obviously frustrated with me and practically yelling "well what do you want?!" when I went back to the hospital *again* to report that I felt no different *again* on the latest medication and dose that he had thrown at me.
It was my mom who first suggested autism to me back in 2016. At the time I scoffed. It wasn't until 2 years later that I started to take the suggestion seriously and start researching symptoms in autistic women and girls specifically and oh boy, the amount I related to shocked me.
I got my diagnosis at the age of 29. Followed relatively quickly with an ADHD diagnosis at age 30. I've learnt more about myself in the last 3 years than I've ever known, but the journey to realising who I am is far from over and is often confusing, complex and quite frankly like trying to piece together a whole god damn beach with individual grains of sand.
This is where this blog comes in. With written word I can draft and really concentrate on what I'm thinking and feeling instead of attempting to figure things out through an endless stream of impulsive vocalised nonsense or fragmented thoughts. Ultimately I hope to gain more understanding of myself, though if this reaches just one person who can relate but not find the words themselves and finds that this helps then I consider this project a success.
